The One Place We All Hate…

It’s been a while since I posted, I didn’t mean for it too take so long, but I am also working on an album (www.myspace.com/theunionhiphop), and trying to juggle everything. I appreciate all the reads I have been getting, and the feedback.

Some people seem to think I “hate everything” or am really pretentious. My intent wasn’t to give off that vibe, however comedy is funny because of extreme generalizations. If I wrote a rant of “10 Things I Mildly Dislike” or “Bands That Are Average and Don’t Move Me in One Way Or Another” it wouldn’t be very amusing (although if your wondering that band list would be comprised of mostly prog rock, Rush would be #1).

So today I have decided to write about a topic geared to bring us all together in universal hatred. Something NOBODY ANYWHERE can claim they enjoy. What is the unifying evil? How can I be so sure? It’s simple. I am referring to a horrible place we have all been…

Satan’s Playground AKA The Department of Motor Vehicle.

My most recent decent into hell was just this morning, I had to re-register my car. Now this is something I am supposed to be able to do online. However due to unforeseen circumstances (I owed the city my left arm in parking tickets from 2005), I could not. So off I went.

First a thought about DMV. If any other company, in any sector had customer service like DMV’s they would be out of business in a month. They really may as well just have door say “FUCK YOU” in huge letters on the way in too destroy any illusions that your going to get good help.

Here is a play by play…

11:00 AM- The DMV office here is in a mall that is so awful it’s unreal. It’s basically a weird bootleg purse store (why get Gucci when you can have Guchi), an Old Country Buffet (so the whole mall smells like old people), and a weird always closing rotation of sports card stands, and greeting card stores. If the mall was a TV character, it would be Corky from Life Goes On. Only way less lovable.

11:08 AM- I get in my first line of the day. This is the preliminary line, so I can get the privilege to stand in line. The man in front of me is yelling at something that isn’t there and wearing one of those ultra clever “Can’t Sleep Clowns Will Eat Me” shirts. Only he’s like 65, and I don’t think he’s wearing it for the humor. I just think he had a legitimate fear of cannibalistic bozos.

11:27 AM- I get to my first helpful DMV employee of the day. Who  is looking at me with disdain usually reserved for lepers and child molesters. I foolishly paused for six seconds for a “Hello,” or “Can I help you?” which was replaced by the much more appropriate “Whatchu want?” Now what I really wanted was too know how many bald horses were running around so this girl could get her ridiculous weave, but I resisted and instead stuck to the matter at hand.

Me: “I need to renew my registration”

Helpful Girl: “Is it expired”

Me (resisting urge to explain that it had years left and this was just my idea of fun): “Umm yeah, thats why it needs to be renewed”

Helpful Girl: “Fill out this form and move over there”

Me: “How much is this going to cos…”

Helpful Girl: “NEXT!”

11:44 AM- I have now filled out all the paper work, and am waiting for them to call F691 for help, problem is they are at F674 which means I got a while to kill. So I decide to call a friend and bullshit to kill a few minutes. I must have been fooling myself… there is no reception in hell.

12:36 PM- Finally my number gets called, and I meet lovely employee #2, we’ll call him Larry Wilson. Why? Because he looked like a Larry Wilson. Larry was having a tough day, his tie was basically undone, he had very visible mustard and coffee stains on his shirt, begging the question, who the hell eats hot dogs and coffee for breakfast? I kinda felt bad for him, so I repressed the annoyance that had been building over the last hour.

Larry actually seemed nice enough, just wasn’t all there. After handing him all my forms, and telling him why I was there. He basically blew away all my expectations, because after we had both discussed why I was standing in front of him, asked me, and I quote “So what can I do for you?” As if the last two minutes of conversation had never happened.

We finally got done with the transaction and before I could tell Larry that I didn’t need my three cents change, and he could just print me the registration, he had already ran to the back of the office looking for pennies.

12:47 PM- Larry comes back. Pennies and registration in hand. As I leave the wonderful place, I see a woman on a bench openly weeping. I don’t know what she was crying over, but I am completely sure it was DMV’s fault. The One Place We All Hate…

Stuff I Like This Week- I’m adding a new section to the rants, people say I’m too negative so here’s a few things I like this week (and I’m attaching related products strictly to try and generate revenue and have this site pay for itself, because I’m broke, honest, but broke)…

1. Iron Man Movie- It was bad ass, Downey Jr. plays Stark amazingly.

2. The EMC album- Came out a few months back, but this is just great Hip-hop. You don’t here albums this cohesive anymore. Get it HERE.

3. 9th Wonder and Buckshot- These guys now have two really good albums together, I wouldn’t mind hearing one more from em. Get it HERE.

As always comments and feedback are welcome.

May 19th, 2008 | Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

The Ten Worst People You Meet At A House Party

Note from the writer: I have been accused by a few people on here and stumble upon of stealing content for this list. Now I’d say 8-10 people have said that this appeared on www.cracked.com. Yet none of them can provide a link. So will someone please post a link to this article I am supposedly stealing from? And if nobody can produce it, then I suspect this is a product of one person saying something is true, and the rest of the idiots following along. That being said, if the article does exist I will edit this one to remove content that could be considered as plagiarized, although I maintain I had no prior knowledge of the article.

Thanks,

Dave

If you have been to college, or even if you haven’t, you have probably been to a good amount of house parties in your life. Most people at a house party just sort of blend in. They go about their business, and are pleasant enough. Some people cannot seem to do that. So without further ado the ten worst people you will meet at any house party…

Ten Worst People You Meet At A House Party

10. The “Inappropriate Music Guy”- This guy can take one of two forms, if there is a DJ he is the jackass requesting “November Rain” in the middle of a dance set. If the DJ doesn’t comply he tends to get whiny as hell, and say things like “Come on man, nobody likes this crap, just play something good” and proceeds to point to a full dance floor. If the DJ does agree, he sits around glaring at the DJ every time the song switches to see if it’s “his song.” When his song finally hits he gets a big goofy grin on his face and bobs his head, sometimes giving the thumbs up. His song also always results in the dance floor completely clearing.The other form is if the party does not have a DJ this person will saunter his way over to the stereo (usually an Ipod at this point), and very slyly add his own playlist. A playlist of such party classics as “Knights in White Satin” and a random Velvet Underground B-side. If anyone criticizes his picks, or doesn’t recognize one, he gets elite. “I can’t believe you haven’t heard this song, its on King Crimson’s Unreleased basement tapes!” Seriously? You really just can’t believe I haven’t heard this song? Fuck off Inappropriate Music Guy.

9. The “I Need a Specific Drug Guy”- This guy is always looking for a drug, the party just isn’t a party without one. Usually he just wants weed, and if he finds it, he just sits there, gets high, and does nothing the rest of the night. Sometimes it’s not weed though, he wants something like Extacy (because he couldn’t possibly have sex without it), or every party usually has one guy looking for coke. You can tell if he found it because his eyelids are stapled to his forehead the rest of the night, and everything he says has 17 extra words said at 700 miles per hour.Notice this person never has the drug they want on them, but has no problem asking everyone around for some. They also get very offended if someone who they barely know won’t give them free drugs, often retorting with the scathing “Dude, why are you being a dick?” He’s the same person trying to get a keg cup without paying.

8. The “This Party is Nothing Compared To…”/ “Story Topper” guy- This guy has been too all the best parties, with way more fun people, hotter girls, more drugs, better music, a bigger ice luge, a live dancing polar bear, a dedicated fellatio room, etc. These parties are never local. They are “when he was home” or “visiting friends in west bumblefuck.” You guys don’t party nearly as hard as those kids do. This party is ok, but it just doesn’t compare. Rarely does this person have a very specific story from that party, thats usually covered with a “I was so hammered I barely remember it.”This guys alternate role at a party is that of the always fun to be around “story topper.” If you have done something he has done it twice; if you have seen a band, he smoked with them on their bus; if your best friend has cancer, his died in a plane crash on the way to a treatment center on his mothers fucking birthday. The best way to handle this guy is too see how ridiculous of a story you can get him to tell. Talk about the time you were attacked by a heard of gorillas on PCP in Antarctica. See where he goes from there.

7. The “Watch How Much I can Drink Guy”- This guy can drink SO MUCH. Just watch! He’s already had 14 shots tonight before he even got to the party. Which is why he’s not pounding more at this very second. In fact you haven’t seen him drink anything in four hours, but trust him, he has been drinking SO much. When you weren’t looking he says he finished two pints of tequila, on top of the 11 beers and 14 shots from before. He can drink more then you, and anyone else at the party. If anyone challenges his claims, his response is usually along the lines of “Anytime man, but not tonight, I already had a ton of booze.” If this person actually drinks anything at the party, you will know because they will be the person lying in their own vomit.

6. The “Inappropriately Dressed Girl”- It doesn’t matter the occasion or the climate. If it’s twenty degrees she’s in a skirt and tube top, if it’s summer she’s got on Ug boots and a bubble jacket. These girls usually move in packs, three of them will walk in at once, dressed for June in Miami, when its fucking January in Boston. They then tend to act as if they don’t know they are dressed inappropriately, and get looks on their face like “Why is everyone staring?” As if that wasn’t the point. If you want a good shot at getting laid, talk to one of them. Be careful, because these girls are not usually as attractive as they seem at first. Most of them are between 5-7 on the scale. However the fact that they stand out in a room full of people dressed reasonably, makes them look hotter, especially if its absolute zero outside, and they’re in a skirt. Oh, and use a condom, you’ll thank me later.

5. The Crying Girl- She appears later in the evening after a seemingly normal girl gets drunk. Sort of the female version of the drunk “I love you man” guy (however he doesn’t make the list, because he not the worst, so much as just slightly aggravating, just tell him you love him too, give him a hug and move on). This girl is crying. She’s not sure why, and she promises she’s “not usually like this.” Maybe it’s that she saw her ex-boyfriend a month ago wearing a Rush t-shirt with his new girl, and there was a rush for the jello shots at the party, and it reminded her of him, and blah blah blah… Don’t try to comfort her, everything you say is gonna come out wrong. Just leave her in the corner, she’ll stop at some point, and nine times outta ten there is someone at the party who gets caught in her emotional web. Let them handle it.

4. The Stumbling Mess- This person is just a hammered mess, incoherently ranting to you about something, or just doing their best impression of someone who can actually walk. Usually the same person at every party, every group of friends has that person who just cannot handle their liquor, or if they can have NO concept of their limits. It can be a guy or girl, sometimes if you’re really lucky it’s one of each and they have found each other. Usually at that point they start dancing horribly and running into shit. The best thing you can do with these people is just let them pass out, or if you are really evil give them shots till they throw up in the bathroom and call it a night so you don’t have to deal with them anymore. In certain situations this can be the most flat out aggravating person at the party, because their is no ability to reason with them. If you get any speech out of them at all it’s basically a slurred “Why are you getting mad man, I’m just having fun.” This being after the third time he’s thrown an elbow into the back of your head while he “dances.”

3. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde- Goes from cool person at the beginning of the night, who you can have a decent conversation with. However once they get drunk, it’s FIGHTING TIME. Everyone is looking at them, everyone is starting with them. It can be hard to spot this person, because they were chill at first. However they may possess are a few key signs…1. Does he look like he left the gym, didn’t change, and came right to the party?2. Does he have a basic tribal tattoo or barbed wire?3. Did he find the coke he was looking for?If you answered yes to one or more of the above questions, be aware. Not scared, just aware, because most of these guys like to yell and maybe even push, but can’t actually handle themselves worth a shit. Still, remember, fights ruin parties, so just tell him you saw some guy out in the hall talking shit about him, and when he leaves lock the door.

2. The Politcal Drunk- Almost inevitably in college with little or no political background. Rarely actually a government or politics major, might be a white guy with dreadlocks, or a Che’ Guevara shirt, or more likely both . This person knows how to fix everything, if we just adopted Zaire’s economic structure, with Canada’s health plan, and Slovakia’s school systems we would be so much better off. They never have specific examples, just vague ideas. They feel like they are breaking shocking news when they tell you Bush isn’t a very good president. Did you know he has married big business and government? Because they do! Not only do they know these things, they think the party atmosphere is a wonderful setting for their rants. I don’t suggest getting involved with these discussions, however tempting to call the person on their bullshit it might be. This person on some nights also plays the part of religious topic drunk.

1. The Vulture- This guy is the worst for a simple reason, you actually want to hit him when you see him in action. The rest of the people on this list you can ignore, and if your drunk enough even converse with. They aren’t bad people, just shitty drunks. This guy sucks, he walks into a party, nobody ever quite knows how he knows about the party or who he’s there with. At the very least he makes an awkward drunken pass at the party hosts girlfriend or visiting sister. When he’s caught he acts innocent, and pretends he is deeply offended by your accusations. You can then spot him by his mid-party tactics of trying to comfort the Crying Girl (so he can get laid), or hit on the Inappropriately Dressed Girl. As he gets drunker, his tactics get worse, and by the end of the night you can usually see him curled up on a couch with a passed out girl trying to maneuver his hand down her shirt. This guy tends to have had his ass kicked more then anyone else in history.

April 3rd, 2008 | Posted in Uncategorized | 52 Comments

7 Things That Seem Like A Good Idea At The Time… Then Turn Out Not To Be.

It happens to everyone, we get in our heads that something is a good idea. It's usually followed by the immortal "What could possibly go wrong?"

Which is then obviously followed by what goes wrong. Here's a list of 7 things that seem like a good idea at the time... then turn out not to be.

7. McDonald’s- You know how it is, every six months or so you think to yourself “You know, I could really go for a McDonald’s burger, I haven’t had one in forever.” You wander into the local Mickey D’s, humming the ‘I’m Lovin It” theme, look to the easy to read menu, and say…

“GOOD SIR/MA’AM/CLOWN I WILL HAVE THE DOUBLE BACON CHEESEBURGER”

You find yourself a nice yellow and orange table, sit down, bite in, and it is FUCKING DELICIOUS!!!

However exactly fourteen minutes after the after original deliciousness (just long enough to be in your car and nowhere near a bathroom) comes indescribable pain and agony. You make it too the bathroom at home just in time (as in like pulling your pants down while you enter the bathroom), and you sit there going “I’M NEVER EATING THAT SHIT AGAIN!” All the mean while you have finished most of Tolstoy’s “War and Peace” while sitting on the porcelain throne looking for the toilet paper that inevitably isn’t there.

Then six months later like a slightly evolved goldfish you go “Oh man, I could really go for a McDonald’s burger…”

Similar Bad Ideas- KFC, Burger King, Cheap Chinese Food

6. Going To The New Martin Lawrence Movie- I’m not sure why Martin Lawrence is still famous. He is one of the most annoying human beings of all fucking time. It’s basically his sitcom and Bad Boys that had kept him around. Then out of nowhere fucking Wild Hogs is the #1 movie in America for fucking weeks. Now I know your watching the preview thinking, “Oh this is gonna be good, he’s coaching a kids basketball team/saving a kingdom/visiting his family/insert wacky situation here how could this not be funny?”

Before you know it your leaving National Security 2, and actually wishing for a new Eddie Murphy project where he plays a guy who doesn’t know how he turned into a panda bear, and the only way to escape is by leading three kids through Legoland which has been possessed by demons. Don’t act like I’m being far fetched. That man is capable of anything at this point.

Similar Bad Ideas- Replace Martin Lawrence with any of the following Kevin Costner, Keanu Reeves, Heath Ledger, Burt Reynolds, Kevin Bacon

5. Drunk Dialing an Ex- I know, I know, she/he REALLY wants to hear from you. They want to know how much you miss them, or how much you don’t, or how much you liked the carpet in her living room, or whatever the fuck else you need to tell them at that moment. Just don’t call. Nothing good can come of it. Best case scenario they are sober, they remember why they broke up with you, and they hang up in disgust. Worst case scenario brings us too #4.

4. Sleeping With Your Ex- This occurs usually when you drunk dial your ex, and they too are drunk. All of a sudden “we should meet up for a beer,” turns into “I’ll walk you home,” which turns into a drunken boob grab and some sloppy fondling. It’s not worth it. There are plenty of women/men out there you have no emotional connection too. SLEEP WITH THEM! Fucking your ex is so common because it’s so easily justifiable. “We’ve done this 100 times, it’s not even another number!” There is a reason you stopped fucking your ex, because they are YOUR EX. Fuck a stranger, yeah I know, it’s one more on the tally, and they don’t do that thing with their tongue you like, but on the other hand, they don’t know where you live, and you can even give them a fake name!

Similar Bad Ideas- Drunk sex with a friend you shouldn’t be fucking.

3. Family Vacation- I love my family, more then anything. They are great. Put me on a trip with them for six days and I begin thinking of how to make a homemade flame thrower. It all sounds fun, sure you’ll have a blast! Then as the days progress you remember why vacations are fun… because of all the things you don’t do in front of your family. Some things most people can’t do on family vacations… Smoke, Drink heavily, Bring easy looking and moderately attractive college girls back to the room, come home at 4 am hammered and yell at the wall, etc. Not to mention if your on family vacation you have to have family activities. I will give my pops credit for never pulling any of that “Worlds Biggest Ball of Yarn” or “Cockroach Racing Hall Of Fame” roadside crap. Although I know others were not so lucky.

Similar Bad Ideas- 2,932 Mile Road Trip with friends you kinda like.

2. Going To See Your Favorite Classic Band/Groups Reunion Show- You get tickets and go to the show all excited, then they wheel out two members of the original line up who look like they died fourteen years ago, and are merely being held up by marionette strings. Then they proceed to butcher your favorite songs. You leave feeling like you just found out that there is no tooth fairy, and Jesus killed Santa. The other problem with this is song topics, I do not need to hear literally senior citizen age men singing about hot legs (I’m looking at you Rod Stewart), and vaguely covered sex references (Mr. Jagger that will be enough out of you). The older we get as fans of the touring generation of bands this is gonna get even worse. Your gonna see a 63 year old Michael Stipe yelling about losing his religion while getting read his last rights. Well at least it would be ironic. Ironic… that reminds me of… ugh… I just got a little queasy thinking about an ancient Alanis Morisette singing about going down on you in a theater. I hope it never comes to that.

Similar Bad Ideas- Buying the reunion album, Going down on an old Alanis Morisette

1. The Last Shot- This occurs at 1:45 am (or fifteen minutes before your local last call) when you are already hammered. Your at the bar closing your tab and your friend goes “Dude, we should have one more, I’m not even that drunk,” and although you are slurring your speech and think the chick in the vodka ad on the coaster is giving you “fuck me” eyes, so much so that you have already asked the previously mentioned coaster to come home with you, then got yelled at for stealing the coaster, this last shot sounds like the best idea ever. It also can never be something easy, your last shot is never a 007 or a Kamikaze. No, you have to get a fucking double of Tequila. Why? Because in your head being drunk is fun, so drunker must me MORE FUN.

You drink the shot, which almost comes back up the moment its down. However to save face, you quickly pay, forgo long goodbyes (a half mumbled “later everyone” and an off balance wave will do), and stumble into the street, where you proceed to projectile vomit all over…well… everything. You continue to vomit until you are dry heaving, and considering walking into traffic, because getting hit by a car cannot be worse then the venomous spit that is coming from inside. All the time half promising and half crying “I’m never gonna do this again!” Of course that “I’m never gonna do this again!” is even less true then the McDonald’s one.

Similar Bad Ideas- The I’m hammered so I need weed idea

March 24th, 2008 | Posted in Lists | 15 Comments

Ten Musical Acts Everyone Loves and I Hate…

We all have our differences of opinions when it comes too music, some people love rock, or hip-hop, or for some fucking reason Emo, but there are some artists everyone seems to love.  Here’s a list of those artists that everyone seems to love and respect, and I hate…

Honorable Mentions (AKA I don’t hate these groups, but people need to relax a little)

The Rolling Stones-I respect the grind, they haven’t had a good album since Sticky Fingers.

Talib Kweli-He is just really boring.  I try and like him, and then I find myself in a sleeplike trance wondering where the last 23 minutes went.

Van Halen-Amazing guitar work, REALLY mediocre song writing.

The Cure- I blame them for Emo, yes I know Joy Division, and a bunch of others were in on it, but I don’t care.  I blame The Cure.

10. Led Zeppelin-  Now, I don’t hate Zeppelin as much as I just don’t give a shit about them.  However I will say Robert Plant’s voice is as appealing to me as watching Michael Moore tit fuck himself with a frozen stick of butter (which I am more then sure he has done), and Jimmy Page is at least 33% responsible for one of the greatest musical tragedies of all time “Come with Me” alongside notorious classic music destroyer Puffy (the other 33% is reserved for Tom Morello of Rage Against the Machine, he produced it, don’t worry folks, more on them later).

I would rather listen too- The Who for pure rock, or Yes for weird musical arrangements.

9. The Doors- Teenage angst poetry sung by a renowned racist to repetitive sort of annoying instrumentals.  On one positive note, “Riders on the Storm” is responsible for my borderline insane classic “Chickens in the Sand” on the Ocean City beaches.  Best thing Morrison ever did was die in his own vomit, which was a popular way to go for a few years there.

I would rather listen too- Bob Dylan for semi-coherrent poetry.

8. El-P/Def Jux in general- Now the overwhelming support for these guys has really died down over the last few years.  Which is a very positive things, because I couldn’t take anymore of his fucking space noises, terrible lyrics, or shit flow.  When he burst on the scene with the amazingly mediocre Funcrusher Plus as part of Company Flow little internet kids who had just discovered hip-hop shit a collective brick.  “Space noises,” they yelled wiping their trackmark stained panties “and its not about guns, its about… well I don’t know… SO IT MUST BE DEEP!”  Just so you kids are aware, its not deep, its bullshit.  Fuck El-P and fuck nerd rap.

I would rather listen too- Atmosphere for white people rapping

7. Rage Against The Machine- Pseudo-political rock for people who have no actual concept of world events.  Just because you own a Che’ Guevera t-shirt doesn’t mean your a revolutionary.  Oh and they made the same album 3 fucking times.  Rap rock sucks IN ALL FORMS.  The sooner we all agree on that the better off were all gonna be.

I would rather listen too- Nothing, there is NO GOOD RAP ROCK

6. U2- Now U2 is a funny one, because everyone claims they hate Bono, but U2 pushes millions of copies of anything they drop (even if its the B-sides of Bono jacking off to his thank you notes from the king of Zimbabwe or whoever the fuck he is currently being smug about saving), which means some of you fuckers are lying!  You are sneaking out in the middle of the night when nobody can see you and buying fucking re-releases of Zooropa.  STOP IT!  THE BAND MADE ONE GOOD FUCKING ALBUM!  Oh, did I mention the guitarist calls himself The Edge, like in the third fucking person.  As a people and a community we cannot let things like that happen, it is our job to be better then that.  For our kids… if not for us then for our kids.

I would rather listen too- anything that destroys a rainforest, just to piss off Bono.

5.  Phish- Ok, just because they change their set list every night, attract a crowd of the great unwashed, and tour constantly DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE IN THE SAME LEAGUE AS THE DEAD.  I can’t even be that funny about these guys, because they just bore me too much.  One good thing about the band is that they no longer exist.

I would rather listen too- The Dead for dirty hippie rock I can twirl too

4. Public Enemy- I respect Public Enemy.  I don’t listen to Public Enemy, it’s the Rage Against the Machine of hip-hop.  Bomb squad was great production for the time, but Chuck D is just boring.  Not to mention one of the worst live shows I have ever seen.  Oh, and they’re indirectly responsible for Flavor of Love, which means I really hate them now.

I would rather listen too- BDP for politically charged old school rappers, or Amerikkka’s Most Wanted by Ice Cube for Bomb Squad production.

3. Beck- Ok, so he can’t sing.  He can’t rap, he can’t really play any instruments real well… What the fuck is the appeal?  Yes, I get it, he makes some weird noises… I like making weird noises too, its how I keep neighborhood kids away.  However he has released album after fucking album of them.  The coolest thing he ever did was appear on Futurama and make fun of himself.  It made me refrain from hating him, and instead just hate his music.

I would rather listen too- Futurama played backwards in German through a bunch of FX processors.

2. The Eagles- The Eagles greatest hits is the highest selling record in American history.  It has gone almost 30x platinum, thats damn near 30 million copies sold.  You know why?  It’s because it is the most easily digestable crap in the history of music.  I would rather be dangled naked by my baby making parts over a pit of  pissed off fire ants (have you ever seen happy and content fire ants?  Those fuckers are always pissed) and slowly lowered then sit through The Eagles greatest hits.  Bonus points for Hotel California being the worst song of all time.

I would rather listen too- Simon and Garfunkle for easily digestable and  lame music.  At least Paul Simon never wrote Hotel California.

1. Radiohead- Elevator music through a fucking processor.  Thom Yorke, proud graduate of the Robert Plant school of sounding like a freshly kicked in the balls 12 year old annoys me too no end.  Now to be fair, The Bends was a solid album.  OK computer is where the bullshit starts.  From that point on, its not about music, its about weird for the sake of fucking weird.  It’s Jeff Buckley, The Smiths, and The Velvet Underground having a musical threesome from hell, and guess what, it sucks.

I would rather listen too- The Eagles on repeat

March 15th, 2008 | Posted in Uncategorized | 15 Comments

Things From Your Childhood That Probably Shouldn’t Be…

(Originally Posted March 02, 2008)

Things from your childhood that probably shouldn’t have been…
Category: Life

Most people’s childhood is filled with memories of fun movies, great books, toys they loved, etc.  However some of those things you loved in your childhood, upon looking back, probably weren’t as healthy to your upbringing as others.

Things From Your Childhood That Probably Shouldn’t Have Been

1.  “Choose Your Own Adventure” Books- These books provided a wonderful lesson in life, no matter what your choices you WILL DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH!  Seriously every one of these stories has like one happy ending and a ton of ridiculously brutal ones.  On one page your happily windsurfing, and after you make the decision to ride the wind to the left, and turn to page 62… you are being dissembowled by a herd of wild fucking wolves, who are playing tug of war with your small intestine.  That is not a childrens book!

2. Carebears- Oh yeah, great message for kids, go hug a fuckin bear, it’ll love you right back.  I bet thats what happened to that lunatic from the “Grizzly Man” movie, had too many Carebears as kid.  I still can’t explain the lunatic from “Into the Wild” sounds like a bad “Choose Your Own Adventure” ending… “and then you died of a combo of starvation and poisining from wild berries.”  However thats the ending you deserve, if you choose to turn to page 38 and journey your dumb ass into the Alaskan wilderness alone.  I guess this got off my original point, so to sum it up, fuck the Carebears and their mutant cousins the Gummy Bears… stop bouncing bear.  Bears don’t bounce.

3. Speed Racer- Now that the Wachkowskifuck brothers are remaking this into a live action movie, you can expect Matrix nerds to act like they always loved Speed Racer, and bring it up too you roughly every twelve minutes.  Speed racer was the most violent cartoon on TV at the time.  Characters arms would be ripped off, people were run over, babies were mauled, etc.  It was FUCKING VIOLENT.  Oh by the way Matrix kiddies, the movie is probably gonna suck, lets review the Wachowski’s track record (basically because I need to make this rant longer)…

Assassins- Stallone and Banderas shoot each other in cemetaries.  Sometimes they try and act. Sucks.
Bound- Hot lesbians, bad movie.  I know, I couldn’t believe it either.
The Matrix’s- One good movie, two shit sequels, did I mention the whole thing is about Jesus?  Jesus stopping bullets is basically the Matrix.
V for Vendetta- Ok, they get this one, this fuckin rules.
The Invasion- Didn’t see it, looked like shit, I’ll assume it was.

See kids?  Two good movies, I just don’t see Speed Racer being lucky number three.

4. All Dogs Go To Heaven- Dying puppies.  I mean, how can that possibly be helpful?  Then the sequels are almost worse… dogs coming back from the dead. In the movies they call them angels.  Bullshit.  I know what they are…

ZOMBIE DOGS!


FUCK!

March 15th, 2008 | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

The Future Awaits?

(Originally posted on January 29, 2008)

You, like me, probably consider the Back to The Future series documentaries, only based on the purest of science, and possibly even recorded during real time travel.  Thats the only way to explain how they nailed the nuances of every time period.  EVEN THE FUTURE…

So with that in mind lets look at some of the inventions and changes Back to the Future 2 tells us we will have in the next decade… and if we REALLY want them.

Now as far as research as too which inventions/changes are included in the movie, my means were extensive (basically I went on IMDB and read the trivia section).  So if any of this is innacurate, please understand that in my deepest of hearts, when it really counts…I truly truly… don’t give a shit.  Enjoy.

Without further ado…

Changes in the future…

According to the newspaper of the futures headlines…

1. Slamball Playoffs Begin- Spike TV tried to air slamball, it sucked on an epic level.  It was basketball with trampolines… anyone who remembers any part of this should consider having the treatment from Eternal Sunshine in the Spotless Mind to remove the memory of d-grade athletes bouncing around like idiots.

2. Cubs Sweep Series In 5- If the series was swept in 5, that implies that they have made the world series a best of 9 series.  Is there anyone anywhere that gets to game 7 of the world series and goes “You know what, that was great… but the baseball season as a whole just isn’t long enough.”  The LAST thing baseball needs is more games.  Unless we added a rule like the last two games can’t have ANY subsititutes for any reason.  And teams can earn runs by hitting opposing players in the head with the ball, however the struck player has the right to one free swing with the bat at the throwing player.  That would be fun, because baseball players are pussies.

3. Marshall Runs 3min. Mile- Fuck that.  I don’t trust anyone that fast, they must be half-bionic.  I’ve seen Terminator, I don’t want any part of it.

4. Washington Prepares For Queen Diana’s Visit- Looks like in the future we can revive the dead! Creepy zombie queen!

Inventions-

Mini food becoming BIG food- We could probably do this a-la the pizza that gets huge in the microwave.  However think of how fucking nasty that food would be.  It would make space food look like gourmet steak.

Video Phones- Outside of the office these will never catch on.  You know why?  Because I am sitting here half naked writing this with my hand consistantly scratching myself, only stopping to type.  Do you really want to call me and see that?  Didn’t think so

The Giant Hologram Jaws Ad- We have the technology to do this now… but think about it… do you REALLY want to be walking down the street and have giant holograms leaping out at you?  We get annoyed by pop-up adds on the internet.  I don’t like when the Greenpeace guy asks me to save the enviroement… now picture that everywhere GIANT holographic Ronald Mcdonalds telling you to eat Filet O’ Fish.  I’m all good thanks.

Self drying clothing and Self tying laces- Its not that we can’t do this, we probably could, but is it that big of a deal?  FUCK MY SHOES ARE UNTIED!!! IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME WAY TO TIE THEM… AUTOMATICALLY!  As for the self drying clothing… it just looks amazingly lame.

Hoverboards- Like I need little fuck kids zooming around on these things in my neighborhood, scaring my dog (who will be trained to bite the ankles of those bastards as they zoom bye), and running into shit.  Although if they did exist I would have a high powered bb gun, and sit on my porch nailing kids with bb’s.  On second thought get those kids some hoverboards…

Flying Cars- Here’s the big one… why don’t we have flying cars?  BECAUSE FLYING CARS SUCK.  Imagine your cruising 40-50 ft off the ground and your all pissed because they are playing Nirvana on the classic rock station, and damn it you don’t understand how you got old…and the kids music these days is terrible anyway, when POOF you run out of gas.  AND YOUR CAR FALLS 50 FT TO THE GROUND.  You can’t pull over in mid air people, in mid-air almost every car accident is fatal.  Someone side swipes you, an engine gives out and presto, your freefallin without the sweet Tom Petty vocals.

So sorry folks, looks like the future isn’t gonna rock so hard after all.

March 15th, 2008 | Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments

Condoms An Interpretation Of Styles

(Originally Posted on January 06, 2008)

I was up late tonight, and I noticed a condom ad on TV talking about the newest weird style of condom.   Apparantly we are no longer satisfied with the basic idea of putting a balloon over the penis and eliminating any pleasure a man can have during sex.  We need it too be WAY more complicated.  Plus most condom names are clever codes.  So I have decided to do a guide to the different types of condoms and contraceptives.  This doesn’t include all the types, because a lot are similar and I don’t care enough.

I am using Trojan as my product guide, not because I trust Trojan… I don’t.  I am still convinced Trojans disintegrate when wet.  However they are the most popular so we will use them.

Condom Types

Trojan Enz Spermicidal Lubricant Condom AKA the “Bar Wench Rubber”- Most popular condom in America.  This condom is the choice of single men and hookers everywhere.  Great for one night stands and half-drunk sex.  You WILL NOT get it up if you try to use this completely smashed, but good luck trying and embarrassing yourself anyway.

Trojan Enz Lubricated Condoms- Same as above but no spermicide. Why would you want a condom without spermicide? I don’t know… Personally when I have sex and am wearing a condom I think one of the most arousing parts is that when I orgasm, one billion babies die.  Maybe thats just me…

Trojan Ultra-Thin Condoms AKA “Relationship Condoms”- These are for when your fucking someone who you know the last name of.  Then you can ease up a bit and start using these baby making roulette wheels.  They do make sex better for the guy, but in the same sense that Turbo was probably a better a better American Gladiator then Lazer.  Were talking small degrees here people…

WE INTERUPT THIS RANT FOR A NEWS BULLITEN…

AMERICAN GLADIATORS IS BACK AND HULK HOGAN IS THE HOST!!!!

Now Back to your regularly scheduled rant…

Trojan Ribbed For Her Pleasure AKA the “I could use a little help here” condom- Now were getting into condoms with serious alterior motives.  I have actually never used these.  I don’t think my ego can take the hit of not knowing it was my smooth moves… or the ribs.  Then secretly knowing the truth…

Trojan Mint-Tingle Condoms- Smell and taste like mint.  Why? Fuck knows.  Are there really people out there so paranoid they are putting condoms on for foreplay?  If your that scared you probably shouldn’t be sleeping with that person.

Trojan Twisted Pleasure Condoms- These look like a weird torture device.  I guess I would need a vagina to understand the appeal.  Are there a lot of women fantacizing about giant screws?

Trojan Extended Pleasure Condoms with Climax Control Lubricant AKA the “Sorry honey, it happened again” condom-  I guess the theory is to trade the embarrassment in bed and move it into public where people see you actually buying this condom.

Trojan Magnum- Just to make the majority of us who know that putting this on is the equivalent of Kate Moss wearing one of Rosie O’ Donnel’s dresses, feel even worse by giving it a cool name and a sweet black box.

There you go… now you can all have semi-safe sex in a knowledgable way.

March 15th, 2008 | Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

5 Ways to Tolerate Being a Jew On Christmas

(Originally Posted on December 25, 2007)

Well… its that time again, XMAS in Jewsville.  A time of nothing, closed stores and happy little gentile children tearing at presents in there homes…

So how can you survive Xmas as a Jew?  Here are some ways…

1.  Make sure you get up late… it cuts the day in half.  To accomplish this Xmas eve boozin is encouraged, don’t you dare turn your light off until its 4 am and your hammered.  That will take care of the AM portion of Xmas.

2. Movie-  Now this is the classic Jew entertainment on Xmas.  You would think that since we secretly run hollywood, there would be an abundance of good movies available too watch on Xmas… This is not the case, there is never more then one movie you could tolerate seeing.  DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE BEFORE CHRISTMAS!!!!  I REPEAT! DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE BEFORE CHRISTMAS!!!!  Hold off, your gonna need it, thats another 3 hours of your day taken care of.

3. Chinese food-  Hungry?  Your gettin General Gau!  So try not to eat too much chinese food leading up to Xmas because you don’t want to be sick of it.  And don’t try to fight it with the whole “Well I’m not gonna get chinese food this year!  I’ll just cook something!”  Look around your house… go ahead I’ll wait… do you REALLY want any of that to eat?  Didn’t think so, get the phone book.

4. Learn about Jesus-  Seriously it’s a really good day too learn about the last Jewish carpenter.  A&E, History Channel, etc.  they are all playing Jesus life on repeat.   I hear this year History channel has actual old footage of him walking on water!  Oh no wait…. thats Chris Angel AKA MY JESUS!

5.  Play with your 8 Chanukah presents- Obviously thats a joke.  No Jew in the history of civilization has gotten 8 presents on Chanukah.  I hear Robert Goldberg of Long Island has the current record with 5 presents a calander and some school supplies.

There ya go Jews and other non-christians.  Take my advice and this day wont suck as bad as it could!  Too the rest of you MERRY CHRISTMAS!

March 15th, 2008 | Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments

Views Of The Average American… Pt 1

(Originally Posted on October 18, 2007)

I’m your pretty average american.  What makes me your average american?

I love chicken and beer, I watch football, I love action movies, every year I talk about working out more and every year I don’t.  At least once every few months I find myself in a McDonalds, I make a decent living, yet I’m still broke 30 percent of the time.  I’m sort of obnoxious, and I have no real heritage.  I’m your basic, average american.

One other thing I do, probably against my better judgement is I watch a lot of not so average americans, claiming to be average americans, speak their mind on TV, or read their nonsense in magazines, books, and newspapers.

Whether it’s celebrities, musicians, socialites, politicians, etc.  All these people are basically the reality show of our every day government.  They answer questions as softly as possible and ride whatever the popular opinion of the day is, all the time forgetting to mention they haven’t seen normal average life in years if possibly ever.

So I have decided to cast my views on a couple of major current affairs as a real live average american.  Not one that lives in a mansion with a maid.  This is sorta gonna be a running series, so consider this part 1.

1.  The 2008 presidential election- Lets look at the real nominees, so Fred Thompson you can continue to stand there and look like the living dead, I promise this isn’t about you, the only reason you have more of a chance then I do to be president is because I’m not 35…

Republicans-

Rudy “Hey did you know I was mayor during 9/11″ Guiliani- Running solely on the backs of WTC victims.  He is a hypocrite at the very least, and a has been known to be so anti-marijuana that he encouraged his police force to arrest known medical patients using weed as medicine.  Classy.

Senator John McCain-  Half of me likes McCain, the other half wonders if he will stop calling Asians “gooks.”  On the other side he said “Fuck you” to another senator in a public debate, and that makes me happy, because it is exactly how the average American would probably handle it.

Mitt Romney- His first name is Mitt.  Are you voting for a baseball glove?  Didn’t think so.

Duncan Hunter- Anti-abortion, Anti-Gay marriage, Anti-Gay adoption, Pro-death penalty (Anti-Federal death penalty appeals), Anti-immigration, Anti-Welfare, Pro-Guns and Pro-Iraq war… Your general all around good Christian Republican.  Basically a piece of shit.  Every Republican primary needs one.  Good news is Duncan Hunter sounds like a porn star and not a president.

Another great group of people to choose from… I guess I lean toward McCain, but do I really want a man in office who thinks that only Christians should be president?


Democrats

Hillary Rodham Clinton- I don’t know.  I think its gonna be hard to be the first woman president when women don’t even want to vote for you…  I mean really.  Everyone talks about Hillary, but who out there actually likes her?  That and I don’t really think the south will elect a woman.

Joe Biden- Saddest part is he may win based only on the fact that he is a token white guy.  I’m not convinced a woman or a black man, no matter how qualified, can win.  Joe Biden was a Delaware senator.  Delaware sucks, so I will assume Joe Biden sucks too.

John Edwards- You know things are fucked up when he’s considered the “attractive” canidate.  He looks like Woody from Toy Story grew up.  Edwards has decided to attend the John Kerry school of politics, which is nobody knows what the hell he believes.  Except he is anti-gay marriage, way to grab those liberals dip shit.

Barack Obama- I like Obama, he seems to have some good ideas, he’s also 12 years old.  As for him winning?  Look at everything I said about Hillary and change the word “Women” to “Black.”  He may be a suprise though, because he just non-threatning enough to make Tiger Woods look like NWA era Ice Cube.

Dennis Kucinich- He’s the pure Democrat.  Pro gay marriage, pro choice, pro immigration, pro enviroment, and wants to end the war.  However in pure Democrat style has an idea, and no fucking clue how to make it work.  His only idea is to cut funding completely.  Thats cute, it will also never happen, typical Democrat idealist over realist nonsense.  Thanks Dennis, anyone else in the class have an idea?

So those are your 2008 choices people.  The Republicans are still assholes, and the Democrats are still idiots.  Vote or don’t either way we lose.

Side Note:  I didn’t include independents and other parties, because voting independent is as useful as non-alcoholic beer.  Sure you think your drinking, but your just fooling yourself.

I will return with another topic for average American views next week!

March 15th, 2008 | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Drunk Pick Up Advice

(Originally Posted on August 24, 2007)

I haven’t written in a while so here ya go kids…  This is gonna be kinda a long one so grab a beer, and relax.

I was flipping through TV at 4 in the morning the other night, because my body fears sleep.  When I got to VH1.  Now amazingly they were not showing a list, or interviewing a washed up 80’s pop star (or just trying to get a washed up 80’s pop star laid).

What they were doing may have been even dumber…  Some loser in a funny hat, with the balls to call himself “Mystery” was giving a bunch of other losers in less funny hats advice on how to pick up women.  Apparantly this is a reality show, and they vote off the people who don’t pick up girls well enough or have a funnier hat then the lame host and his lame guest host friends I guess.

I’m wasn’t entirely convinced this dude Mystery is interested in women, or has ever even had sex before.  So I did a little research to see how one becomes host of this show.  Because I have had my fair share of drunken bad idea sex as well, I was just unaware that there was a career in it.

After looking him up I find out apparantly this guy is some sort of pick-up master, and gives seminars on this shit.  Think about that.  There is a guy out there (actually apparantly it’s a group of them), who have made a career out of convincing people there is an art to picking up girls at clubs.

Now what these guys have done is set up basic steps to “building attraction” and “raising your social worth” and use terms like “negs” which is a playful insulting pick up line (Nice work guys, you figured out girls like it when you act like a semi-asshole, way to blow the lid off that one).

This guy even had a video on using magic tricks to attract girls… thats what I want to bring to the club, a rabbit in a fuckin hat.

All of this is too much work.  I am sorta anti-working at anything, especially involving women.  So here is my alternative pick up advice.

Step 1-  Look for a girl in the club who you either think is hot, or even better yet, will settle for.  Don’t aim for the fences thats how you strike out.  Were trying to get laid here, not find your wife.

Step 2-  Say hello, if you MUST introduce yourself then I guess this is a good time.  However I don’t see a real point in exchanging names on a one night stand.  Follow this with a few minutes of amusing throw away conversation.

Step 3-  In some form or another, and not too late into the evening, ask her to sleep with you.  If you want to be smooth about it, ask her what she wants for breakfast in the morning, or the ultra rockin “If you kiss me, you’ll come home with me” its a little assholish, its confident and it lets you know where you stand.  So you don’t have to waste any more time if she’s not interested.

Notice I didn’t say ask her if she has a boyfriend.  I don’t understand why guys do this, I hear it sometimes, yet it never makes sense to me.  She’ll tell you if she has a boyfriend.  If she doesn’t mention him and he’s not in the room, then he doesn’t matter, therefore he doesn’t exist.

Now I am not condoning one night stands or sleeping around, I don’t really do either anymore, but if your gonna do it, do it right.  And don’t waste times watching shows, going to seminars, or buying books about it.


OTHER JERSEY DAVE THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEK

White people need to stop saying borderline racist or homophobic things to me and expect me to agree.  Just because I’m not the targeted group.  Just because I’m not spanish doesn’t mean I want to hear you using the word “spic” fuckhead.

They now sell 700 dollar reprinted Pantera and Guns and Roses shirts with crystals on them.  This is not ok.

Carlos Mencia is still not funny, yet still has a show.

Quick Album Reviews-

Talib Kweli-Eardrum: Good beats, good rhymes, but is there anything more dull then Kweli’s monotonous flow for 14 tracks?

Common- Finding Forever: How about we find a bassline Common.  Lets start with that.

Camp Lo- Black Hollywood: Not as good as Uptown Saturday night but what is?  Still good to hear Camp Lo again.

March 15th, 2008 | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

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