The One Place We All Hate…
It’s been a while since I posted, I didn’t mean for it too take so long, but I am also working on an album (www.myspace.com/theunionhiphop), and trying to juggle everything. I appreciate all the reads I have been getting, and the feedback.
Some people seem to think I “hate everything” or am really pretentious. My intent wasn’t to give off that vibe, however comedy is funny because of extreme generalizations. If I wrote a rant of “10 Things I Mildly Dislike” or “Bands That Are Average and Don’t Move Me in One Way Or Another” it wouldn’t be very amusing (although if your wondering that band list would be comprised of mostly prog rock, Rush would be #1).
So today I have decided to write about a topic geared to bring us all together in universal hatred. Something NOBODY ANYWHERE can claim they enjoy. What is the unifying evil? How can I be so sure? It’s simple. I am referring to a horrible place we have all been…
Satan’s Playground AKA The Department of Motor Vehicle.
My most recent decent into hell was just this morning, I had to re-register my car. Now this is something I am supposed to be able to do online. However due to unforeseen circumstances (I owed the city my left arm in parking tickets from 2005), I could not. So off I went.
First a thought about DMV. If any other company, in any sector had customer service like DMV’s they would be out of business in a month. They really may as well just have door say “FUCK YOU” in huge letters on the way in too destroy any illusions that your going to get good help.
Here is a play by play…
11:00 AM- The DMV office here is in a mall that is so awful it’s unreal. It’s basically a weird bootleg purse store (why get Gucci when you can have Guchi), an Old Country Buffet (so the whole mall smells like old people), and a weird always closing rotation of sports card stands, and greeting card stores. If the mall was a TV character, it would be Corky from Life Goes On. Only way less lovable.
11:08 AM- I get in my first line of the day. This is the preliminary line, so I can get the privilege to stand in line. The man in front of me is yelling at something that isn’t there and wearing one of those ultra clever “Can’t Sleep Clowns Will Eat Me” shirts. Only he’s like 65, and I don’t think he’s wearing it for the humor. I just think he had a legitimate fear of cannibalistic bozos.
11:27 AM- I get to my first helpful DMV employee of the day. Who is looking at me with disdain usually reserved for lepers and child molesters. I foolishly paused for six seconds for a “Hello,” or “Can I help you?” which was replaced by the much more appropriate “Whatchu want?” Now what I really wanted was too know how many bald horses were running around so this girl could get her ridiculous weave, but I resisted and instead stuck to the matter at hand.
Me: “I need to renew my registration”
Helpful Girl: “Is it expired”
Me (resisting urge to explain that it had years left and this was just my idea of fun): “Umm yeah, thats why it needs to be renewed”
Helpful Girl: “Fill out this form and move over there”
Me: “How much is this going to cos…”
Helpful Girl: “NEXT!”
11:44 AM- I have now filled out all the paper work, and am waiting for them to call F691 for help, problem is they are at F674 which means I got a while to kill. So I decide to call a friend and bullshit to kill a few minutes. I must have been fooling myself… there is no reception in hell.
12:36 PM- Finally my number gets called, and I meet lovely employee #2, we’ll call him Larry Wilson. Why? Because he looked like a Larry Wilson. Larry was having a tough day, his tie was basically undone, he had very visible mustard and coffee stains on his shirt, begging the question, who the hell eats hot dogs and coffee for breakfast? I kinda felt bad for him, so I repressed the annoyance that had been building over the last hour.
Larry actually seemed nice enough, just wasn’t all there. After handing him all my forms, and telling him why I was there. He basically blew away all my expectations, because after we had both discussed why I was standing in front of him, asked me, and I quote “So what can I do for you?” As if the last two minutes of conversation had never happened.
We finally got done with the transaction and before I could tell Larry that I didn’t need my three cents change, and he could just print me the registration, he had already ran to the back of the office looking for pennies.
12:47 PM- Larry comes back. Pennies and registration in hand. As I leave the wonderful place, I see a woman on a bench openly weeping. I don’t know what she was crying over, but I am completely sure it was DMV’s fault. The One Place We All Hate…
Stuff I Like This Week- I’m adding a new section to the rants, people say I’m too negative so here’s a few things I like this week (and I’m attaching related products strictly to try and generate revenue and have this site pay for itself, because I’m broke, honest, but broke)…
1. Iron Man Movie- It was bad ass, Downey Jr. plays Stark amazingly.
2. The EMC album- Came out a few months back, but this is just great Hip-hop. You don’t here albums this cohesive anymore. Get it HERE.
3. 9th Wonder and Buckshot- These guys now have two really good albums together, I wouldn’t mind hearing one more from em. Get it HERE.
As always comments and feedback are welcome.